Artificial Intelligence for Dummies: Survivor 35: Heroes, Healers, and Hustlers: Week 4

I was traumatized listening to a program the other day that claimed that in the not too distant future human beings are going to be replaced by machines to the point where we will eventually become extinct. And not by nice robot machines like R2-D2 and C-3PO.

As we speak these machines are taking over and we are sitting idly by letting it happen. Since the early 1900’s we have been enamoured with technology and all the conveniences and indulgences it brings us. From Televisions, toasters, and lights that go on and off when you clap right through to fax machines, computers which let’s you watch porn and cooking videos, and even artificial hearts. YES, even machines that help you breath!!!

The program’s main topic was all about how corporate giant Amazon, who deliver meaningless shite to millions every day, feeding their emptiness with consumer durables, are automating their factories with machines to a staggering number of over 100,000 globally.   They claim the ultimate goal is efficiency and cost cutting so they can deliver even cheaper shite, but instead their efforts will have far-reaching, catastrophic effects. Not only are they giving people the incentive to sit on their fat asses at home and shop on-line, systematically shrinking their social abilities, it’s arming their warehouses with machines who are taking our jobs and will eventually outsmart us.

Others are also up to no good. Almighty GOOGLE is soon releasing its driverless car. While they initially will only go 25 km/h they are sure to run your ass over when you least expect it. They will also take away the jobs of taxi drivers and pizza delivery persons.   The only advantage to that is that we won’t have to tip a surely fat guy named Aashiq with rancid body odor who won’t crank the windows down on the 40 minute ride in from the airport.

The program asserted the recent invention, Tinder, a dating APP, as another important invention of the 20^th century that has intelligence capabilities that people are not even aware of. First of all I really find it sad and shocking that all you have to do is swipe right to get ‘jiggy’ with someone you like (and left to get rid of them). Back in my day I had to shave my back, change my underwear, and mind my peas and cues just to get a casual glance from someone I liked. KIDS THESE DAYS!!!!.   Anyway, I thought Tinder was a harmless way of bringing aimless millennials together to complain about the lack of jobs and how unaffordable housing is. But turns out its another program with intelligence capabilities that with the right algorithm can initiate hook ups between potentially dangerous persons. It’s rumoured this is how Donald and Melania got together.

Who knew?

Not only will these machines take our jobs they will eventually be programmed with intelligence, or as they call it Artificial Intelligence, which will give them the ability to think and take over all aspects of our lives. For example recently the IBM super computer WATSON competed on Jeopardy and beat out two long time human champions.   Not only did it get all the answers correct it made condescending, lewd remarks to sweet Canadian host and national treasure Alex Trebec.

It’s like they are taunting us.

Some futurists think all this is not a bad thing. That having smarty pants machines could potentially trigger an “intelligence explosion” leaving human intellect far behind. They could invent revolutionary new technologies that might help us eradicate war, disease, and poverty. Other experts have expressed concern that these machines might go too far, unless we learn to align the goals of the AI with our own before they become “superintelligent “and whoop our ass. And not just on Jeopardy and the Price is Right.

Oh sure the harmless dynamics between people and machines play out on a daily basis like when I curse at my computer when an client email comes in, or when I scream at my microwave to cook my KD faster, or even when I go into a fit of rage when my Bedazzler gets jammed while trying to rhinestone a mural on the back of my acid wash jean jacket on craft night. But what if these gadgets could think and communicate with other machines? What if they could fight back and zap me with electro currents or signal another machine like my gas meter to ignite and blow me to kingdom come? This is what Artificial Intelligence can do.

We have to take heed. We have to be aware of the potential. We have to remember we have the upper hand because we are human and have the capacity for emotion.   I’d like to see a Robot pick up a tiny ladybug, or blow bubbles into the sun-filled summer sky, or even pull pedals off a flower citing ‘she loves me, she loves me not’. I’d like to see them fart into their hand, or tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree, and for that matter, sing Whitney Houston ballads at Karaoke night. Ain’t no machine gonna do dat cuz it’s not possible to program our basic emotions like fear, hate, happiness, and especially love.

So it’s true after all, “All you need it love”. I knew the Beatles were onto something when they wrote that song. They knew what was coming. God bless John, Paul, Ringo, and even George before he went all Travelling Wilbury’s on us.

So what can we do to ensure we protect ourselves and not become extinct at the hands of intelligent machines? Well first of all we can SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Stop trying to consume everything, do everything, and be everywhere NOW. Don’t worry about paying a little more for something if it means we have to pay a human being to do it or make it. Screw Wal-Mart and their low low prices. And when you order a pair of crotchless panties from Victoria Secret, so what if you have to wait 7 to 10 business days to get the shipment instead of the 1 to 2 that a Robot can deliver. Are you really going to die if you don’t have that Sequinned Snuggie by 5pm same day?

Speaking of Robots, if ever there was one on Survivor it would be JP. Cold, quiet, and emotionless as a machine. Jeff even called him ‘granite’ in tribal. He may be packing something monstrous in his blue shorts, but he’s definitely low on feelings upstairs.

Another clueless, cold empty shell of a man is Cole. All he does is flex his abdominals and eat everyone’s food. His tribe is onto him and his selfish ways, except for poor, dumb Jessica who felt sorry for him when overcome with heat exhaustion, did a nosedive into a tree. I giggled.

I also giggled when nerdy Mike caught a fish and burnt it to a crisp and dropped it into the fire. But he showed how much heart he had by sharing it. Something a robot couldn’t do.

Ryan and Ali butt heads when she felt betrayed by him not sharing his voting strategy. Ryan realizing he maybe made a mistake and that it would be better to keep her in his corner still voted her out at tribal thereby proving that people are unpredictable and will always do something to surprise you. Something that a machine will never be able to do because it’s programmed with logic only.

In closing, after listening to that program I’m convinced the producers of Survivor have turned host Jeff into a machine. This is clearly evident by his 12 catchphrases he utters over and over, year after year. This is what can happen to you too if you let technology rule your life. That and Botox. Poor Jeff.

Later, Kurt